Joy Bonding verses Fear Bonding

Joy bonding is the way to go

Fear bonding is a blow

The health of relationships

Is dependent on our awareness

It’s time to slow down & go to town on reflection

Am I creating joyful connections or fearful bonds?

You’re made to be a joy maker, not a joy stealer

In our perfect designs, who we’re created to be, we help set others free

With love, with joy, with peace, with goodness to share, with abundance & generosity

You’re portion is meant to be sharing the things that are good, right, and true

Let’s keep this going & help make broken things newww!

It starts with relationship & how you interact

Let’s take time to counteract fear with love, fear with joy

Cmon we can grow together & watch this garden of goodness flourish

From disintegrated to integration

I’ve had the privilege of meeting with someone over the years who has come from much severe trauma in their childhood to a point, they were not able to live in their present body, present in the day to day, rather their brain would at times resort to altering personalities which in many ways allowed them to survive, the difficulty at hand though, was it also hindered them from living into their present self, their true identity.

Over time through bonding, building secure attachment, through joyful connections and resting, we got to a place in the therapeutic relationship we could then dive into some of the traumatic memories that took place in childhood. As we joyfully connected, mixed in validation, showered empathy, and provided emotional/spiritual support, I watched this individual as the weeks, months, and years went by, start to experience more freedom, and even start dreaming about their future, perhaps for one of the first times.

To dream about the future is a sign of living in the present with your body, though, sounds like an oxymoron right? But let me explain, for many, “dreaming about the future” isn’t a reality, because they’re merely trying to survive the day to day or unsure if they will even be around 1 year from now.

But this individual, this individual has overcome and grown exponentially. Not only are they living in their present body, they are starting to discover who their best self is, their most alive self, the self that is living to their fullest potential.

And as this special person is growing in all these ways, they are starting to spread joy. How so? Through gift giving to others! I recently received a gift from this individual and it was one of the most beautiful and precious moments.

Experiencing joy through Immanuel journaling

I was meeting with someone recently, someone who has experienced sever chronic pain for a very long time, for reasons they do not fully understand, nor doctors. It’s heavy, I cannot imagine experiencing chronic pain to points it’s a great challenge to get out of bed some days.

This individual and I have been meeting for some time and recently we decided to invite Immanuel into the pain and disappointment of continuous chronic pain. So this is just what we did, we invited Jesus into the pain processing, and simply wrote down thoughts and reflections that came to mind as we asked Him for His perspective on these questions/prompts:

Journal out thoughts that come to mind as you ask God these questions: 

• Question 1: I can see you (Genesis 16:13) 

• Write down observable actions + surroundings as God is describing them back to you “I can see you sitting at this table” “I saw that happen to you” 

• Write down body movements, sensations, of psychological responses that others might not be able to notice with their bare eyes “I can see your fists are clenched” 

• Question 2: I can hear you (Genesis 16:11, Gen 21)

• Write as God says what He hears from your speech + actions “I can hear you yelling + screaming” “I feel unsure about this situation” 

• Continue writing about unspoken words in your mind. God recognizes what he hears rom our inner thoughts “I hear you judging yourself” “I hear the deep desires of your heart” 

• Question 3: I can understand how hard this is for you 

• Put into words your impression of God’s accurate understanding + how important something is to us. God is able to illuminate our responses and grant us forgiveness, understanding, + comfort. “I can see this is a big deal for you” “this is as big as when your parents announced a divorce” 

• Question 4: I am glad to be with you + treat your weaknesses tenderly

  • Write down what you perceive God might be saying in a loving, tender way. “I am glad to be with you + see your weakness tenderly” 

  • Peter felt defeated + hopelessly retreated back even after He knew of Jesus' resurrection. Yet Jesus came to Him + invited Him 3 times in parallel to PEter’s 3 denials. Peter was restored once he experienced that Jesus still wanted Him in spite of his weakness. Once we return to Joy with God’s help we can live with Him as children. 

  Question 5: I can do something about what you’re going through (God showed Hagar His active goodness in her life + also called her to go back to her life as a slave) 

• Sometimes we find God asking us to do the difficult and hard work of living as His children. The promise of His constant presence, His unfailing love, + His pure goodness will sustain us. “I will help you, I love you, I have you in the palm of my hands”

The result? Peace throughout the body, tears rolling down the face, awe and wonder of “I didn’t know God could speak to my heart in these ways, I feel heard, seen, understood by him”

For me to witness such an experience, was a true joy and privilege. My body felt warm on the inside, my face felt stretched from smiling, I felt grateful to God. These are the moments I can hardly believe I get to do what I do.

Immanuel Journaling resource adapted from the wonderful “Joyful Journey: Listening to Immanuel by  E. James Wilder  (Author), Anna Kang  (Author), John Loppnow  (Author), Sungshim Loppnow  (Author)

A poem on Depression

A hole you stumble down
Until you hit the bottom
And can only hear the sound
Of despair, an emptying, numbness

You are broken
You are worn
Fatigue moves through your veins
The will to live is dwindling

Yet the way out of the pit
is to climb up
How tho? When will to exist ceases?
Wounded you are
It is time for rescue

That life line, that voice that says
You do not have to do this alone anymore

There are hands extending a ladder
From the top of the pit, life awaits
Offering Steps towards wholeness
Standing in the gap
Making effort to help you back
To where you’re made to be
Shooting for the stars
& life, full of color

One step at a time they say
One good habit, One small change
Becomes investment over time
We will climb out the pit of depression, together
One step at a time

The steps are like a ladder
Each new habit
takes you out of the internal cage
It moves you up a step
And day by day, you’re getting closer
To where the light shines on you
To where hope, purpose, & brighter days shine on

You will surely see the goodness of the Lord
in the land of the living, out of the pit

Depression does NOT have its last say
Your life is valuable, more precious than gold
We need you, to come alive

Experiencing joy in Mexico

I took a trip to Mexico a couple of weeks ago and it was a total BLAST!

There are a few memories I have about times I experienced joy through experiencing God’s presence. Here they are:

1) The God who provides…Elotes

I was feeling wiped, extra sun burnt, and ready to lay my head for a quick nap. It was the last night of my stay in Mexico and I was trying to get into my air b and b however, the lock was not seeming to work, that, or my mind was slow from the fatigue but either way (haha) I was having difficulty getting into the cozy place to rest my head.

As I was trying to unlock the gate, after about 10-15 minutes or so I heard a voice from what seemed like an intercom started spiking “hello, are you locked out, what is the problem, ma’am?” I respond back, who are you, where are you coming from are you coming from the camera?” “Yes, yes I am, I see you are locked out, I will be right there”

“Phew, I think to myself” and the next thought that occurred to me, “Man I could really go for an elote right now, haven’t had one of those yet in Mexico and it just sounds so refreshing.”

Kid you not, within 10-15 seconds I hear a loud voice yelling, “Elote’s ELotes, Elotes”

I pear behind the bush I am standing by and behold, see the cutest looking older hispanic man riding a bike with a trailer behind him, full of Elotes! I make my way towards this man, yelling “Elote’s si si si!”

Oh man, what a treat. I eat up that Elote and walk back to the gate where my air b and b is, and the timing was just perfect, my air b and b host walks up.

He graciously helps me with getting into the air b and b premises. God provided an Elote I believe to refresh my mind and spirit as I was in a situation that was a little less than ideal. Small provisions, but with meaning to them. I understand it was “just an elote” but it is truly like God, to provide food and refreshment. It reminds me of Hagar’s story, but at a way less intense level. Haha.

2) 4 times in 5 days…Pray

I was spending time at a beautiful blue lagoon in Mexico, sitting on a sunny side of a dock, enjoying the sunshine. I was reading a lovely book while laying on my beach towel and couldn’t help but overhear two individuals next to me chatting about inner healing and recovery from emotional wounds.

I found it to be very interesting and also felt compassion for this woman who seemed to be pursuing healing.

I left this lagoon and to my surprise, the next 3 days, I saw this individual everyday at some point, all in different locations.

By the fourth time I witnesses seeing this person I thought to myself, “okay Lord this is wild, what do you want me to know or do because I feel as if you are highlighting this person to me”

Part of me wondered if the Lord wanted me to pray for her, so that is what I did. & it felt awesome to be able to do so. I pray those prayers were something meaningful.

3) Getting equipped with returning to joy

I was taking time to pray about what this next season would entail for Joy Makers Project. Questions such as what should I be focusing on, Lord, what do you see fitting in this season? This thought about a workshop popped in my mind. “Create a workshop on these 5 topics”, 1 of which was about returning to Joy from upsetting emotions. I found myself pondering this wondering, “but how Lord, how will facilitate this, this would be important for me to first observe and watch how others train others in this, right?”

I left it at that, I figured if the Lord desired for me to press into this, He would provide, I just needed to make my requests known to him.

The next morning, someone messaged me from a ministry I learn much from about relational skills and developing emotional capacities. They texted and offered me a full ride scholarship to this training that would equip me with the skills needed to also help facilitate. Boom, God’s provision. There’s nothing more sweeter and filling of joy to recognize God’s provision in one’s life. For this, I am grateful!

Experiencing joy through intentional thinking

Sometimes people are experts at predicting the worst case scenario. Learning to overcome pessimistic thoughts and predictions is extremely important for building more joy in your life.

A healthy brain is goin to be full of joy. It’s important we become intentional with growing the good stuff in our brain and pulling out the “weeds” of negative thinking.

Being someone that is characterized with predicting the worst is not a good fit for a healthy brain or body. Dr. Daniel Amen talks about how negative predictions (thinking) lowers immune system effectiveness and increases the risk of becoming ill. More sickness, less ample amounts of joy. No thanks!

In short, our thoughts affect every cell of our body. So, let’s start killing off those automatic negative thoughts (ANTS) & give our cells the good stuff it needs.

Whenever you feel anxious, tense, or find yourself thinking through the worst care scenerio, try this out:

STEP 1: Write down the event that is causing you anxiety, for example, having to get up in front of people to give a speech.

STEP 2: Notice and write down the automatic negative thoughts that come into your mind. Odds are, when you’re anxious, your thoughts are predicting a negate outcome to a situation.

STEP 3: Label and identify the thought as a “negative thought"” or something else. Sometimes the label can take the power of that thought.

STEP 4: Talk back to the negative thought that comes to your mind. Thoughts are just thoughts, not facts.

STEP 5: Practice & repeat! You got this. :)

Resource adapted from “Change your Brain, Change Your Life” book by Dr. Daniel Amen

Experiencing joy through relational repair

How to effectively repair a ruptured relationship

What is relational repair? It is the process of taking action to restore a relationship to a more desirable state. The relational repair process involves understanding what went wrong/what was hurtful and working together to improve communication, to restore peace, and to build trust. 

Why pursue relational repair? It’s important to pursue relational repair because restored relationships are healthier for everyone involved, restored relationships increase health to your brain’s functioning, and help build more overall satisfaction and joy in life. Your brain is designed for peaceful relationships. The list of reasons go on and on. 

What are the essential ingredients for relational repair? 

• Relational circuit awareness: Understanding when your relational circuit is on or off and having the trained skill of turning your relational circuit back on

• Humility: The trained skill of recognizing and accepting one's limitations, being open to feedback, and valuing the contributions and perspectives of others

• Validation: The trained skill of verbally acknowledging someone’s experience from their unique perspective regardless if it fits your perspective or not

• Empathy: The trained skill to understand and share the feelings of another

• Clear Goal(s): The object of each person's ambition or effort; their desired result of the relational repair meetings

Preparation checklist prior to a relational repair meeting: 

• Assess whether or not both parties involved have acquired the “essential ingredients” listed above. If you do not have those skills, learn and apply them prior to pursuing a relational repair meeting 

• Both parties involved write bullet points of important conversation topics they desire to discuss with the other party & review with a trusted support

• Discern whether or not a third part should be involved 

• Pick a warm, quiet space to meet, a neutral space both parties feel comfortable meeting at 

• Decide who will share their grievances first and the goal for these meetings 

Meeting checklist for relational repair: 

• Check relational circuits/ensure they are on

• Verbally express desired goals and expectations for relational repair process 

• Take turns active listening, validating, and empathizing with the other person’s perspective 

• Monitor signs of overwhelm and take breathers or quieting times as needed (deep breathes together, silence, breaks)

• After all essential topics have been processed, discussed, and validated, decide whether you would like to pursue a renewing or releasing of the relationship and what that would practically look like moving forward 

Other important notes: Living in a world characterized by brokenness with a society of people lacking important relational skills for a thriving relationship, we all have experienced the hardship of relational ruptures one way or another. 

Thankfully, relational ruptures don’t have to stay that way, if the people involved are willing and able to gain and implement a few simple yet profound skills that have the ability to transform relational tensions into relational restoration, joy, and peace.

Relational repair takes time, investment, and effort. Relational repair has potential to be incredibly fulfilling and satisfying or to be distastefully painful and triggering depending on the severity of the hurt and woundedness involved.

The goals of each person involved with relational repair may be different from one another, adding a layer of complexity and possible disappointment to one or both persons involved in the conflict. 

Relational repair can aid healing not only for the relationship at hand but for the individual hearts involved as well. 

Relational repair done well, builds joy and satisfaction within the individuals and community involved 

Experiencing joy at Stove Top Roasters

Last Saturday morning, I made plans to catch up with a couple friends and while I was looking forward to that time together, I did not expect the extra surprise & joy of making a new friend at that coffee shop, too.

Stove Top Roasters was a place I had never been to and wanted to try, why not try it with my couple of friends I was planning to meet up with? It’s like me to try new things, to take these small adventures, I find joy in trying out new places, it keeps the mundane a little more interesting in the day to day.

So that’s what I did.

I walked into the coffee shop about an hour prior to meeting my friends there, set my backpack and computer down, and took a phone call outside. As I took the call outside, I noticed someone walk in. When I saw that person, I was struck with joy and curiosity. Practically, it was cold out, my hands were hurting from the crisp air, I wrapped up the phone call and walked inside, at this point, about a half hour or so perhaps a bit longer before my friends showed up.

I go and sit down where my backpack was laid out and realize, the person who had struck me, was sitting at the same table as I. My eyes lit up a little, I felt a smile cross my face, I was curious. This person intrigued me.

Naturally, this person and I started chatting. “What’s your name?,” “what’s your name?” There was a click, a joy filled vibe, and a variety of open ended questions that started to spill out. There were smiles, laughter, depth, and sincerity. We talked about entrepreneurship, we realized we’re close to the same age, we shared some of our family and community backgrounds, we conversed some about our faith and spiritual journeys.

Twenty minutes or so goes by, “how did this just all come about?” I think to myself. “This is really fun” I say internally. “How did we just go so deep?” I think. “God is this a new friend for me to have, you know the kind of friend I was telling you I craved, desiring to have more peer interactions with someone that is also passionately pursuing entrepreneurship with purpose, passion, faith, wholeheartedness, and joy?”

I think so. I think God answered my prayer and allowed this new friend of mine and I to meet and enjoy each other’s company. I felt warmth, peace, and gratitude for God as I think about the blessing this new friend is.

Joy is found in the big and little moments, memories, and events in life. Soak in those gifts, relish them, your brain, mind, and heart, thank you for it.

Experiencing joy with "it's going to be a great day"

Dr. Daniel Amen came up with a simple yet profound method for training the brain to remember the good stuff. He encourages individuals to create a habit of as soon as you wake up, thinking, saying out loud, or writing, “it’s going to be a great day.”

This primes the brain to search out the good small and big things that happen in that day, and the result is what? It’s joy strength.

Joy strength is our friend, we need it to not only survive but thrive in this life. Joy strength is the thought process your brain needs to function its best. Joy strength helps keep our brain healthy. And a healthy brain, can change your life for the better.

So what do we need as a society? We need joy strength, and it starts with one individual at a time.

I had an old picture frame I wasn’t using so decided it would be the perfect frame for quoting “it’s going to be a great day.” I strategically set this frame up in a spot of my living room so when I walk out of my bedroom first thing, that is what I look at.

In addition to this small but important habit, I’ve added in an additional piece of my nightly routine as I prepare to sleep. I get cozied up in my blankets, lay my head on the pillow, take a few big deep breaths, and reflect on the smaller “great” things that happened in my day.

Perhaps that was an encouraging text I received from a friend, maybe it was the taco I made, possibly the walk outside I took, maybe the pages of a book I read.

When we train our brains to remember the great little things, it’s teaching our brain to go to the good stuff as a natural focus.

Small positive net habits make all the difference over time. You get to choose how intentional you want to be in growing joy. You got this!

Experiencing joy through small beginnings

About 12 years ago I was going through a spiritual crisis. I was surrounded by peers on a college campus that conversed with each other as if they could “hear God’s voice” and interact with Him. I remember walking around the campus overhearing these conversations and thinking to myself, “is there something wrong with me, I don’t hear God like that? Am I missing something?”

It was bewildering to me, disappointing, and a bit confusing, too. Was it possible to really hear God’s voice like that on a daily basis? Was it really possible to have that kind of relationship with God? I wasn’t sure, but I was determined to find out because if it was true, I wanted that kind of access to God, I wanted a closer relationship with Him, I wanted to know Him like I knew a friend.

So, II began my investigation process. I started talking with peers, mentors, and just about anyone who would be willing to talk with me. I pounded willing listeners with questions, desperate for answers, and eager to learn.

While I was learning quite a bit from willing individuals sharing their experiences in hearing God’s voice, I still felt this sense of insecurity, heaviness, and fear throughout my body. I had this ringing question, “what if hearing God’s voice doesn’t work for me?” A lump in my throat formed, tears on the verge of streaming down the cliff of my eyelids.

I remember a particular afternoon, sitting at my “ work desk,” a laundry folding table in the college mens football locker room. I was already feeling quite uncomfortable by the very nature of my work duties, washing stinky football clothes, and handing out football gear to my college peers as needed (out of all the places to have a part time job as a freshman in college). In addition to this discomfort, I was feeling haunted by the overwhelming feeling of not knowing how to hear God’s voice.

Amidst that one afternoon in the football locker room, I found myself feeling frustrated. I so desperaetaly wanted to hear God’s voice and didn’t really know where to start besides having that honest conversation with God, which really felt like I was talking outloud to thin air, hoping no football guys would walk in and hear me conversing by myself.

In that conversation, attempting to talk with God it went something like this, “Hey God, I am feeling so frustrated, You say in your word I can hear your voice and everyone around me seems to be able to do that well however, I feel like I can’t or at least I have so far to go and I wish I was so much more able to hear your voice, I wish I was more spiritually mature. Can you show me a sign that you hear me God? What are your thoughts on what I am saying?”

Within moments, likely after taking a big deep breath and wiping a few tears, I decided to open up my bible and start reading, this time I decided to flip it open to a random page and go from there.

I proceeded to sheepishly opened up the Bible to a random page. To my surprise and delight, the first scripture I came across brought a sense of awe and comfort. This is what I read:

“Do not despise these small beginnings, for the Lord is already rejoicing to see the work begin” Zechariah 4:10.

Upon reading this my heart jumped, my slumped shoulders perked up, and a smile formed on my face. I felt peace, a sense of relief, and comfort. In that moment I could not chalk it up to coincidence, those words were the words I needed to hear to know God was not upset with my little understanding of how to hear His voice, in fact he was delighted, even rejoicing, to see the small beginnings of this journey begin.

That moment in time shifted the way I viewed the journey into understanding how to hear God’s voice. I know I was not alone in the difficulties at times in trusting that I can hear Him, this is a common theme among believers. But I want to encourage you that you do in fact hear God’s voice, it’s just a matter of training your brain to tune into detecting his voice and that takes time, practice, and growing in attunement to him.

In the journey with you, friend!

“My sheep listen to my voice; I know them, and they follow me.” John 10:27

Experiencing joy through the 1 page miracle

Our brains are designed for building joy as a life long process and they’re also designed to function off of goal setting. We get to choose how intentional we want to be with that! Investing your time into reflecting upon and writing out your goals in four primary categories of life such as relationships, work, money, and self can help train your brain to experience satisfying activities that help you reach your goals, allowing you to develop a more joyfilled life. It’s a simple yet profound activity, that can assist in your transformative potential! Ready to try it out with me?

Next to each category below, write down what you want in each area. Keep it positive. Make sure you write it down in first person such as “I want.” It’s suggested you carry this 1 Page miracle around you for a few days to reflect on it and refine it, and so you can stay up to date on your life’s primary objectives.

On a daily basis, you can ask yourself, “Is my behavior today getting me what I want?” Doing so will help you focus your behavior and actions on the things that matter most to you. It also helps you develop greater self-control, which is key to better decision-making.

Do this, and you’ll be on track for living a more conscious, intentional, and purposeful life. Your energy will expend on things that bring joy. Let’s do this thing!

1. Relationships

• Spouse/partner

• Children

• Extended family

• Friends

• Clients

  2. Work

• Short-term goals

• Long-term goals

  3. Money

• Short-term goals

• Long-term goals

• 4. Self

• Physical

• Emotional

• Spiritual

  Resource found at https://www.amenclinics.com/blog/one-page-miracle-the-easiest-and-best-goal-setting-tool/

Experiencing joy through play

Lately I’ve been practicing setting intentional time aside for play. But what is play? Can adults play? Oh yes, adults are designed for play, but many of us get lost in the world of work and being spread thin that play, an essential part of our adult development need, becomes missing.

But here we are again, what is play? How do adults play?

Play would be described as pursuing activity that does not have consequences for failing, winning, or loosing, but can be tried over and over again until satisfied. Play is meant to refresh and build joy.

Play looks different for everyone depending on hobbies and interests, unique personalities, and resource availability.

For me, play was diminished the last 5 years, lost in the transitions of life but thankfully, is now making a comeback, and a strong comeback it is.

When I am playing, I find creativity starts to blossom. When I allow myself time for play, I experience peace in my body, my mind feels lighter, and I find myself smiling, perhaps saying outloud, “oh, I like that idea!” Pen and paper in hand, I start to write my ideas out. Play helps me wonder, play helps me develop areas that I crave to develop.

The older I get, the more I realize how stressed my body had been for so long, chronically stressed. What was meant to feel like play as a child, teenager, and adult didn’t always feel like play. I would find my mind pre-occupied with worry, concern, and confusion about various life circumstances, for a long time I was fighting the battle of a prolonged anxiety disorder, and it took about a third of my life to heal from.

I am so thankful for the “bigger minds” in my life that helped me grow, heal, and mature into the best version of Kailey I was made to be. Today, the best version of Kailey, plays. She’s learning how to play hard and is loving it.

Here are a few ways I am practicing taking time to “play”

• Blogging out my thoughts and experiences (this!)

• Reading books on books and books that spark insight and inspiration

• Creating encouraging videos on social media (instagram, facebook, and some YouTube)

• Writing and playing music with my guitar

• Cooking and baking, giving away homemade goods to loved ones

• Decorating my house with thrifted treasures

• Playing and singing in a worship band with the guitar

• Taking a once a year trip (if finances allow, even more!) to explore a city or country I hadn't explored before

Other forms of play I hope to pursue:

• Learning how to play the piano better

• Exploring painting and canvas artwork

• Re-vamping my Joy Makers Project online merch

• Starting a Joy Makers podcast

What kinds of play do you pursue currently? What kinds of play do you want to pursue?

Experiencing joy after a window crack

Thanksgiving came and it went with a lot to be grateful for yet I did receive one surprise thanksgiving night I wasn’t particularly fond of. On thanksgiving night, while I was laughing away with some friends playing a card game, tucked away in a warm, cozy house, sipping on some root beer, someone hit the side of my front car door and disappeared, no note to be found.

Upon seeing the dented door and chipped paint, I felt bummed. I felt disappointed that whoever it was that hit my car, did not leave any way for me to contact them and make amends. I also felt sad, I was going to need to dig into my savings for this repair, otherwise the rust monster would eventually win and eventually I would not have a functioning front door. My options were looking slim.

A week prior or so, I received another surprise, this time from Mother Nature. As I was driving on a highway to visit a friend, the smallest pebble hit my windshield and gifted me with a crack. Attempting to minimize my internal disappointment, I think to myself, “Oh, it’s just a small crack.” The week goes on, and the crack starts to get a bit bigger and eventually after multiple weeks, the quarter inch pepple crack grew into a windshield wide, crack. “Oh no, this is looking like it might need some attention, too, this crack is growing by the minute it seems,” I think to myself. I swallow and feel a lump in my throat.

I was tempted to feel frustrated by these unexpected events. I could feel the disappointment welling up inside of me. I could sense the worry of diving into my savings account start to strain my mind. I felt overwhelmed.

But then I remembered, what is it like me to do when I feel overwhelmed, sad, or fearful? I talk with someone who I trust, I talk with a bigger mind that can help guide me. So that is what I did.

I talked with Rich my mentor, I asked for his input on what he would do in a situation like mine with the newly dented car door. I then pursued a second opinion. I reached out to Britton and I asked what he would do in a situation like mine with a newly dented car door and later on, a window crack.

Rich and Britton both gave me feedback on what they would do and also provided contact information for an individual and business that could help me.

Upon these conversations with Rich and Britton, I felt my body ease of its tension, my brain felt more peace and less strain, I felt calm and no longer overwhelmed. All would be well.

Though I did not enjoy the surprise car door dent nor the surprise people crack, I did find satisfaction and joy in knowing I had people in my corner I could reach out to and seek input and guidance from, and that is what I choose to dwell in, the appreciation for those two individuals and the gift it is to have community by my side.

Thank you Britton and Rich, I so appreciation your presence in my life. You bring me great joy.

Finding joy through a surprise at the gym

I’ve been working hard to take care of myself. It’s not an easy task. I’ve been trained to care for the needs of others before my own for a very long time. My work in the mental health field is demanding. I am widely networked with social relationships. I can’t possibly say yes to every invitation I receive, though it pains me each time I choose to decline, because my desire is, my desire is that I would be able to connect with those who reach out to connect. It is a privilege and honor to be pursued in friendship. Yet, I have become more and more aware of my limitations. Capacity, the ability of what we are able to manage and manage well, has limits.

But yesterday, yesterday last night, was a joyful surprise. Just about every night I go to a local workout center, truthfully, mainly for the unlimited massage chairs! It’s part of my self care plan, to receive a chair massage on a daily basis, as much as possible. So, last night, I went to the local work out center, and as you can guess, went straight for the chair massage.

I sat down, got comfortable, and as I laid back my head and started to close my eyes, someone walking into the massage chair room grabbed my attention. “Hey her hair looks kinda like me, wait a moment, this girl is smiling and waving at me, wait a second, that’s my friend who reached out wanting to get together to catch up who I thought I couldn’t possibly find time to get together with!” My face lit up, her face lit up too, we were glad to see each other and there was joy.

I can’t think of many things more joyfilled than sitting in a massage chair while chatting with a friend. We were smiling, my stomach felt light and with some bounce, I felt relief. “I will be able to spend time with this new friend of mine afterall, and it won’t spread me more thin, we will do self care together by exersising while catching up.

This was a satisfying experience and a moment of joy I experienced at the workout center recently.

Moments of joy are everywhere, we just need to train our brains to see them. We need ingredients of joyful connection and self care, one without the other in life, will not be as satisfying in life as it has potential to be.

Spreading joy through text messages

Joy is an important ingredient for our brain’s health. It’s crucial not only to our survival, but flourishing! Healthy brains are full of gratitude. In this day and age, there are plenty of ways to get creative with experiencing and spreading joy.

One way I intentionally experience and spread joy is through micro habits. One in particular I want to share is the habit of texting my gratitude and appreciation to friends.

There are two ways I do this currently and am hoping to grow in it more.

First way, as I prepare to fall asleep at night, I take a few minutes to think about a person I appreciate and am grateful for. Then I formulate a text message to that person, sharing my appreciation for them and why. I like to call out specific qualities about that person, what goodness I see in them, and how they impact my life in a positive way. I hit the send button, and eagerly hope that text brings a smile to that person’s face.

The second way I like to experience and spread joy is through texting my friend gratitude I can think of for that day. What I mean by this is, I have a friend in my life who I have a habit of texting on a semi regular basis, listing the things I am grateful for. Her response? She texts me right back the things she is grateful for, too! Soon enough we are synchronized in texting back and forth, the things we are grateful for that day and find ourselves both feeling lighter and less stressed than prior to texting our gratitude. Not only is this intentional work for our brain, it’s a meaningful way to stay connected with someone I do not have opportunity to see very often!

So there you have it, sharing appreciation via text to those you appreciate and starting gratitude tests are two meaningful ways to experience and spread joy in your life, today!

Finding joy through a body scan grounding exercise

There are moments and certain hours of my work day that bring joy in some of the most surprising ways. This week while doing a body scan exercise with an individual, was one of them.

I have the privilege of supporting this individual wrestling with the chains of anxiety. Chains so embedded, it can be difficult for them to sit still and feel relaxed, even just talking about the day to day, surface kinda stuff. Their legs tense up, their hands clench, eye contact is a challenge at times. This person has a story, and their body remembers the pain and suffering they’ve endured, training the body to be hyper vigilant, training the nervous system to activate more often than not. This wears on the individual, chronic anxiety is not a good friend.

We are working together to find solutions, one of them being to help train this person’s brain to help the body relax. Today we decided to practice a grounding exercise called a body scan. An exercise where we start from head to toe, acknowledging, recognizing, and observing how each part of our body feels.

As the therapist, I felt nervous. I found my legs tighten, my shoulders slump. “Will this person like this exercises? Will I be able to facilitate this time well? How can I make this exercise most comfortable for them?” A bazillion questions running through my head.

“Kailey. You’ve done this before, many times. This person, this person will enjoy making it lighthearted. Engage with them in this exercise, share what you’re experiencing as you do this body scan with them.” I internally coach myself. I feel my head lift up, I regain confidence & hope that this exercise has potential to unlock an important skill for this individual. We go for it.

We start with our heads, and realized both our heads were hurting because we both had accidentally hit our heads on furniture objects that morning. We laugh. We discuss how our neck, shoulders, and arms feel. We move down to our stomachs, we both recognize a lighter "feeling,” both smiling and giggling again.

We move down to the legs and feet, observing and recognizing how those parts of our bodies are more relaxed than before.

We end the time laughing, smiling, and recognizing the stress we once were feeling before the body scan has now decreased. We both agree, this was a good exercise. My individual I have the privilege of seeing is baffled with how “easy” it was to relax and expresses wanting to apply this new exercise into their life.

At the same time I was deeply appreciating how enjoyable it was to see this individual gain a new tool for relaxing their body. I feel tears wallow up in my eyes. I am so happy for this individual and eager to watch them continue to grow. These kind of growing moments excite me beyond words.

Moments like these bring me joy and such satisfaction.

Thank you, wonderful individual, you are a gift, & I can’t wait to watch you heal from these chains of anxiety and flourish into your true identity, full of peace, joy, and a trained nervous system operating in a way that supports your best quality of life.

Finding joy through noticing God

Last week I was coming off a long, enduring, and heartbreaking few weeks of counseling. Heavy cases, tragic stories, so much compassion, with not a lot of capacity. Individuals not wanting to live, children finding self harm in the form of cutting their skin deep enough to leave life long scars as a means to cope with the turmoils at home. Not enough time or capacity to be what these precious, special, valued individuals truly deserve. My heart sits heavy, my head feels numb, I grieve at the need and the feeling of defeat wears on me. I can only give so much, and that giving, is not ever enough. & yet I feel that I am called to this way of life, a life of listening, caring, and helping to lift the burdens of those suffering, to help the broken hearted heal, I will keep going with this, God has a plan.

Yet each day it feels like I am recognizing my limitations more and more, it’s an emotionally painful reality to swallow. I desire to help all who cross paths with me. I cannot possible assist all who I have the privilege of meeting who are also crying out for support. I need help, Lord. I need guidance. I need a quench of refreshment, perhaps some new perspective, in the midst of such heavy weeks.

Last week, like a fresh spring of water in a dry desert land, that is what happened, I found refreshment, I found joy through noticing God provide.

Last week I was pushing through another challenging week in the mental health field and in the midst of counseling someone I had this thought pop in my head, “it would be really good for me to talk with so and so about how to best assist this family. So and so would have great wisdom in navigating this kind of dynamic”

My next thought: “but how would so and so and I actually get to connect, our schedules are opposite and it seems we hardly ever have the same break times.”

I finish my counseling session. I walk into the administrative office to grab some paperwork. Just as I walk in, so and so walks into the office, too. “Woah! What are the chances, I was just thinking about you.” I say. We get talking. We talk about how wonderful it would be to connect over several client cases we are collaborating on. We also agree about how challenging it is to connect when our schedules are both so busy and not favorable in similar break times.

The admin assistant overhearing us speaks up, “wait a second, both of you just had cancelations tomorrow at 12:15pm.” We are overjoyed. We block that time out in our schedules and tomorrow comes around.

I sit in so and so’s office and we start conversing. My body relaxes, a smile appears on my face. I feel light, at ease, and excited to converse. I recognize God put an impression in my mind about connecting with so and so, and then made a way for it to happen, and happen quickly it did.

That time with so and so was important, needed, and satisfying. I received wisdom, counsel, and advice. We both shared smiles, warmth, laughter, and sadness together. We both shared the hopes we had for these precious individuals we have the privilege of supporting. The work in the mental health field can be heavy, noticing these gifts of joy, it’s crucial.

It is the little things, the little provisions, that if recognized, can help us grow, sustain, and spread joy. God is with us, He provides.

Returning my body back to joy

As I sit here writing, I feel the tension in my body rising, as if a band is being stretched around my forehead. I try nodding multiple directions, thinking maybe, just maybe a different movement in the head might make it feel just a little bit better. I take some deep breathes, I drink from my glass of water. My thirst is quenched, the headache remains the same. A big sigh, a deep breath I take, and I find solace in knowing I am doing the best I can to make healthy lifestyle changes to decrease these kinds of sensations of stress symptoms.

My body communicates to me, “Kailey, it’s time to rest. It’s time to heal your body.”

I am 29 and in just 5 months I am going on 30. I’m coming to greater terms that the stress my body has held in for so long, is finally making its appearance in physical ways. The stress that used to manifest itself in anxiety is today, manifesting itself by physical fatigue, continuous tension headaches, and excessive sleepiness.

I want to cry sometimes. Cry about how much I have neglected my body in the past, ignored my “at capacity” signs, and just pushed through, and then pushed through some more. I wanted to help, I wanted to give, I wanted to live sacrificially. But I did not know how to do that within the limits of my capacity and what I could healthily handle.

There were many years I did not know how to tend to my body well. I did not know how to like it either. Often times, we did not get along.

I grieve the years I did not know how to take care of my body, the way I used to starve myself to maintain a certain weight, the way I used to insult myself in the mirror when I didn’t look or feel lovely, the way I disapproved of my introvertedness, thinking that I was just being “selfish” for wanting more time, more time to recharge.

I reflect back on these thoughts, these mentalities, these belief patterns. And where did they lead me? They led me here. Fatigued, sleepy, and full of tension, manifesting through these ongoing headaches that just seem to make me feel more and more dizzy, fatigued, and frustrated, the longer they go on. Hope, where are you? Am I too late to heal?

There is always hope. It is not too late. I cannot win back the years that have passed. But I can work to create a new future.

There is hope. I am growing. I am learning. I am paying attention.

My body had enough and is now communicating to me, it is time to slow down, it is time to rest, it is time to heal. Perhaps my body had been communicating that to me for a long time & perhaps I did not have the capability or willingness to listen. I may have been distracted by other good, challenging, or painful circumstances in my life all these years. And today, I am growing into a healthier, better version of the self that God designed me to be.

I carry this tension of wanting to give all I have to help make this world a better place and do my best to shine the love of Jesus wherever I go while at the same time, knowing I have capacities and limits, my body can handle only so much at a time. I carry this desire to learn to love how I am physically made, to embrace rather than tell myself that I am a disgrace. My body is made by the creator of all the heavens and the earth, one to be treasured, not trashed.

Is it possible the investment I make in healing my body, making these lifestyle changes, and embracing the process, is it possible that this may allow me to have greater capacity in the future to give more, to love more, to embrace more of who I am made to be? I think so, but this time, I am ready to learn how to do that in the healthiest way possible.

Kailey’s healing rhythms:

• Daily time with the Lord & writing

• Daily hydro massage, chair massage, and workout at planet fitness

• Daily creative cooking of some sort

• Daily blogging

• Weekly connecting points with Rich & Chris

• Weekly rhythms with the Williams, Bi weekly rhythms with the Andersons

• Unplugging from my phone at least 1 day on a weekend

• 9 hours of sleep a night

• Any other good self care habits that develop along the way

My hope is that through these rhythms, I will soon be able to say goodbye to the chronic tension headaches & say hello to a healthier, more full, best self, and with that, be able to show up as my healthiest and best self to others, stress free.

New days are coming, the old is leaving, the new is developing.

“Nor do people put new wine in old wineskins; if they do, the skins burst, the wine spills and the wineskins are ruined. No, they pour new wine into freshly prepared wineskins, and in this way both are preserved.” -Matthew 9:!7

Spreading joy with a little extra food

I have a dear friend, one in a very different life stage than I. She, has 4 little ones, I, I have myself to take care of. Life stages. Many opportunities to spread joy, even when we are interacting in different life stages. We just need to get a little creative.

This friend and I were recently chatting, we exchange messages back an forth throughout the week to stay in touch, to stay connected in each others lives.

This past week, my friend was having a more challenging week, it seems we take turns on who has a challenging week, sometimes it’s the workload, other times it’s the parenting. Sometimes it’s the “life is too fast paced and I am overworking myself,” other times it’s the “I’m feeling like all I do is tend to the little ones.” These seasons can be heavy, burdensome, and overwhelming emotionally.

Sometimes one simple question, “How can I help you practically this week?” can be what unlocks opportunity to spread joy.

I pop that kind of question. Desiring to help my friend have a little bit of a better week and really not knowing how.

My friend responds to that question, she say’s “something that would be helpful is if you ever bake something like those bagels or a loa of bread or anything homemade and could make some extra for us. Having nourishing food to feed my fam without having to spend so much time in the kitchen is a huge gift!”

Wow. I would love to do that. Easy. Spread joy that way to my friend? Done deal. I love baking and making food but it’s even more satisfying to give it away or share some of it.

So this is what we do, in this season joy is spread by sharing a little bit of extra food. In my heart, I feel light, purposeful, I feel a smile form across my face, my eyes light up at the thought of sharing food with my friend, spreading joy in this way.

Spreading joy can be practical. And once we discover what spreads joy to another, let’s do that, and do that some more. I love getting to spread joy to this friend of mine, in this way. Thank you friend, for this opportunity!

Spreading joy in Highschool

Back in 2012, over a decade ago, I found myself standing in Government class, fresh notebook and sharpened pencils in my hand, excited to learn from the young, hip, teacher, Miss…oh I wish I could remember her name. She was really great, my memory, not so much at this moment.

Anyways, that morning I walked into government class, as soon as I walked through the door, I was met with an internal conflict. I needed to choose where I was going to sit in the classroom and who I was going to sit with. What felt like somewhat of a big deal then, seems so small today, oh if I could have talked with the younger version of myself at that time!

I walk into the classroom, scan the room, I see my “loud and popular friends,” waving me down, “sit come sit over here Kailey!” Man, that felt good to be wanted. I scanned some more, I saw tables full of other students and peers, “nope, not over there, those spots are all taken,” I look towards the back, the way back, in the corner, a table set for 4, I see one student sitting there, 3 desks available. This peer, seemed quieter, I perceived a bit of reservation in them. “Should I go sit with them?” I thought to myself. “But my friends want me over there,” I argued internally. “But what about this person in the back, maybe this person and I could become friends, something doesn’t sit right with them sitting alone.” That thought, overpowered all others.

Done deal.

So I went and sat with this peer, hoping we might be able to become friends. The initial encounter when I sat down didn’t feel like the most joyous one, in fact, we both seemed a bit timid. But I was hopeful. This peer, we had crossed paths before, and this time, there was an opportunity to connect, interact, and hopefully become official friends.

In my mind, I hoped to spread some joy to this peer in the days ahead, just like I hoped to do that wherever I went whether it be school or somewhere else. I hoped some trust could be built between us. Trust is hard to build in Highschool at times, peers can be brutal, I wasn’t sure what this peer’s story was, but I felt they had a deep one.

We continued to sit together the entire length of that semester. Our interactions went from quieter to slowly cracking out sparks of joy, our “glad to be togetherness” grew as we continued to get to know each other, work on class projects, and laughter increased as time went on. I looked forward to those class times, they became a highlight of my days. I looked forward to sitting next to my friend.

Fast forward to years later, I’m on Facebook, haven’t heard from this friend in years, and receive a message from them. A message I will never forget, a message that touched my heart in dramatic ways, and taught me a very important lesson I hope to learn from, the rest of my life. This is what this friend messaged me saying:

“Hey you probably aren't expecting this but there's just a few things I never got to say but wished I had. I just don't think you know what am impact you had on me. In school some days you were the only person who said even a single word to me, the only person who cared to even ask how I was feeling. It wasn't much but sometimes it was just enough to make the day a little easier. It was probably obvious to you I didn't really fit in and I was pretty lonely, where most people could've cared less you actually came and broke the wall I had put up to everyone. I had seen all of my close friends leave me last year, nightly fights with my parents and inevitably myself, invisible and trying harder than ever to feel accepted by anyone. It was so hard, I've struggled with depression on and off since I was fifteen and almost constantly since this time last year. About third tri last year I was at possibly my worst, I had never wanted to hurt myself more before and I had never been less sure that I would let myself live through the nights. I don't expect you to understand what sick thoughts ran through my head; the nooses I planned to hang from the rafters in my garage, the gun I lost the combination to the case of, the sink I planned to bleed out in, the pills I thought about taking a few to many of. What you did was simple, probably in your nature but It helped me a lot. It brings one quote to mind: "Sometimes we put up walls, not to keep anyone out but to see who cares enough to tear them down" This is probably a lot to hear all at once and I'm sorry but I guess what I'm trying to say is thank you. Don't ever change yourself, treat everyone like you treated me.”

That peer that turned into my friend, helped shape my character, helped give me purpose, and by sharing their appreciation, spread joy to me at a time I was feeling down and in the dumps.

May we never underestimate the impact of taking the path less traveled, sharing appreciation, taking the opportunity to do our best to spread joy, make a new friend, and to help each other have a better life. This friend, though we don’t talk often, means alot to me. Thank you, sitting next to you in government class was one of the most meaningful decisions of my life, though I did not realize it at the time. You shared a great gift to me in sharing your heart, and I am so glad you are here, this world is a better place with you in it. Though I don’t know when, I hope we can sit across the table together at another time, and share some “glad to be togetherness again,” just like that one time in class.

With gratitude,

Kailey