How to effectively repair a ruptured relationship

What is relational repair? It is the process of taking action to restore a relationship to a more desirable state. The relational repair process involves understanding what went wrong/what was hurtful and working together to improve communication, to restore peace, and to build trust.

Why pursue relational repair? It’s important to pursue relational repair because restored relationships are healthier for everyone involved, restored relationships increase health to your brain’s functioning, and help build more overall satisfaction and joy in life. Your brain is designed for peaceful relationships. The list of reasons go on and on.

What are the essential ingredients for relational repair?

Relational circuit awareness: Understanding when your relational circuit is on or off and having the trained skill of turning your relational circuit back on

Humility: The trained skill of recognizing and accepting one's limitations, being open to feedback, and valuing the contributions and perspectives of others

Validation: The trained skill of verbally acknowledging someone’s experience from their unique perspective regardless if it fits your perspective or not

Empathy: The trained skill to understand and share the feelings of another

Clear Goal(s): The object of each person's ambition or effort; their desired result of the relational repair meetings

Preparation checklist prior to a relational repair meeting:

Assess whether or not both parties involved have acquired the “essential ingredients” listed above. If you do not have those skills, learn and apply them prior to pursuing a relational repair meeting
Both parties involved write bullet points of important conversation topics they desire to discuss with the other party & review with a trusted support
Discern whether or not a third part should be involved
Pick a warm, quiet space to meet, a neutral space both parties feel comfortable meeting at
Decide who will share their grievances first and the goal for these meetings

Meeting checklist for relational repair:

Check relational circuits/ensure they are on
Verbally express desired goals and expectations for relational repair process
Take turns active listening, validating, and empathizing with the other person’s perspective
Monitor signs of overwhelm and take breathers or quieting times as needed (deep breathes together, silence, breaks)
After all essential topics have been processed, discussed, and validated, decide whether you would like to pursue a renewing or releasing of the relationship and what that would practically look like moving forward

Other important notes: Living in a world characterized by brokenness with a society of people lacking important relational skills for a thriving relationship, we all have experienced the hardship of relational ruptures one way or another.

Thankfully, relational ruptures don’t have to stay that way, if the people involved are willing and able to gain and implement a few simple yet profound skills that have the ability to transform relational tensions into relational restoration, joy, and peace.

Relational repair takes time, investment, and effort. Relational repair has potential to be incredibly fulfilling and satisfying or to be distastefully painful and triggering depending on the severity of the hurt and woundedness involved.

The goals of each person involved with relational repair may be different from one another, adding a layer of complexity and possible disappointment to one or both persons involved in the conflict.

Relational repair can aid healing not only for the relationship at hand but for the individual hearts involved as well.

Relational repair done well, builds joy and satisfaction within the individuals and community involved