I have some questions I've been pondering and truthfully, sometimes feel a bit lost in the sauce on where to pivot forward.

I have this continued ache in my heart to be "sent" and the Middle East continues to be laid on my heart. I hope to be back in Israel this year sometime, but also want to discover other countries in the middle east as I kinda scout things out. I want to go to the Middle East, I could picture myself living overseas as a missionary, yet I don't know if it's my own fear or actually from the Lord, that I wouldn't go overseas by myself. I haven't found peace to go alone. Yet I don't know if that's because in my mind it would feel more comfortable to go with someone, say be married and go as a family rather than as a single. I don't know if I'm just super interested in the Middle East, or if I'm called. I want to be sent to such broken places and I see such brokenness there culturally, religiously, etc. I have one woman I counsel right now who is originally from Iran and it feels like God is speaking to me through her every time I meet with her. I am heart broken and filled with this passion to see the Lord move in monumental ways in that kind of culture.

Part of why I am hesitant to go by myself to the Middle East long term is because I have had a lot of trauma in my life with broken family relationships and believe God has started to clarify more of who my "closer spiritual family" ties are and most of them are in Holland MI right now. I feel like I finally know who my spiritual family is and in order to be known by them, in my mind I feel like I need to be around them right now as I mature. I just want to be as "whole" as I possibly can, before I was sent out overseas long term, if that's what the Lord was calling me to one day.

I have it so good in Holland MI, and have a thriving counseling practice where I am also able to disciple women in the faith inside and outside of counseling. It confuses me as to why I feel something is lacking at times. The piece I grieve and miss so much is being amongst different culture than my own and being where the gospel has not yet been heard, Holland is saturated with churches, the issue is there is a lot of legalism and religion in our community and a lot of my discipling is helping individuals to experience relationship with God.

I know I can experience shalom right here, right now. I just need to know I am walking in the way that will allow me to best see your face, my beautiful Jesus! I love you.

But my prayer in righteousness is to see your face, on waking, may I be satisfied with a vision of you psalm 17:15