As I sit here writing, I feel the tension in my body rising, as if a band is being stretched around my forehead. I try nodding multiple directions, thinking maybe, just maybe a different movement in the head might make it feel just a little bit better. I take some deep breathes, I drink from my glass of water. My thirst is quenched, the headache remains the same. A big sigh, a deep breath I take, and I find solace in knowing I am doing the best I can to make healthy lifestyle changes to decrease these kinds of sensations of stress symptoms.

My body communicates to me, “Kailey, it’s time to rest. It’s time to heal your body.”

I am 29 and in just 5 months I am going on 30. I’m coming to greater terms that the stress my body has held in for so long, is finally making its appearance in physical ways. The stress that used to manifest itself in anxiety is today, manifesting itself by physical fatigue, continuous tension headaches, and excessive sleepiness.

I want to cry sometimes. Cry about how much I have neglected my body in the past, ignored my “at capacity” signs, and just pushed through, and then pushed through some more. I wanted to help, I wanted to give, I wanted to live sacrificially. But I did not know how to do that within the limits of my capacity and what I could healthily handle.

There were many years I did not know how to tend to my body well. I did not know how to like it either. Often times, we did not get along.

I grieve the years I did not know how to take care of my body, the way I used to starve myself to maintain a certain weight, the way I used to insult myself in the mirror when I didn’t look or feel lovely, the way I disapproved of my introvertedness, thinking that I was just being “selfish” for wanting more time, more time to recharge.

I reflect back on these thoughts, these mentalities, these belief patterns. And where did they lead me? They led me here. Fatigued, sleepy, and full of tension, manifesting through these ongoing headaches that just seem to make me feel more and more dizzy, fatigued, and frustrated, the longer they go on. Hope, where are you? Am I too late to heal?

There is always hope. It is not too late. I cannot win back the years that have passed. But I can work to create a new future.

There is hope. I am growing. I am learning. I am paying attention.

My body had enough and is now communicating to me, it is time to slow down, it is time to rest, it is time to heal. Perhaps my body had been communicating that to me for a long time & perhaps I did not have the capability or willingness to listen. I may have been distracted by other good, challenging, or painful circumstances in my life all these years. And today, I am growing into a healthier, better version of the self that God designed me to be.

I carry this tension of wanting to give all I have to help make this world a better place and do my best to shine the love of Jesus wherever I go while at the same time, knowing I have capacities and limits, my body can handle only so much at a time. I carry this desire to learn to love how I am physically made, to embrace rather than tell myself that I am a disgrace. My body is made by the creator of all the heavens and the earth, one to be treasured, not trashed.

Is it possible the investment I make in healing my body, making these lifestyle changes, and embracing the process, is it possible that this may allow me to have greater capacity in the future to give more, to love more, to embrace more of who I am made to be? I think so, but this time, I am ready to learn how to do that in the healthiest way possible.

Kailey’s healing rhythms:

• Daily time with the Lord & writing

• Daily hydro massage, chair massage, and workout at planet fitness

• Daily creative cooking of some sort

• Daily blogging

• Weekly connecting points with Rich & Chris

• Weekly rhythms with the Williams, Bi weekly rhythms with the Andersons

• Unplugging from my phone at least 1 day on a weekend

• 9 hours of sleep a night

• Any other good self care habits that develop along the way

My hope is that through these rhythms, I will soon be able to say goodbye to the chronic tension headaches & say hello to a healthier, more full, best self, and with that, be able to show up as my healthiest and best self to others, stress free.

New days are coming, the old is leaving, the new is developing.

“Nor do people put new wine in old wineskins; if they do, the skins burst, the wine spills and the wineskins are ruined. No, they pour new wine into freshly prepared wineskins, and in this way both are preserved.” -Matthew 9:!7